Tales Of Skyrim Episode VII: “Bandit, Bacon, Bazinga “

A week passed, our heros were camped at ‘The Lord Stone’ which is situated on the side of a snow covered mountain close to the northern region of Skyrim. Darkwater was sat tending to a small campfire that was crackling in the middle of them. Lydia was busy sharpening her blade and Barbas sat with his head on his paws looking out into the dark night sky.

Barbas – ‘What I’d give for a skeever tail right now!’

Lydia- ‘What I’d give for some homemade stew!’

DW- ‘Guys, c’mon were almost there, I’m sure of it’

Lydia- ‘Oh? Like you were sure 2 days ago, when in fact we had been walking around the same smegging mountain for 15 hours!’

DW- ‘I was following Barbas’

Barbas- ‘I was behind you’

Lydia- ‘You were following an elk!’

DW- ‘it was dark! I didn’t see the antlers’

Lydia- ‘I would have even forgiven that if you would have bloody shot the thing when you realised, it would have fed us for another week!’

DW- ‘It took me by surprise’

Lydia- ‘…It looked at you, ….you screamed mummy, ran behind me…it bolted!’

Barbas- ‘wait!’

Lydia and Darkwater both surveyed the campsite.

DW- ‘Do you hear something?, smell something?’

Barbas- ‘no…’

They both sat in silence looking at Barbas, waiting.

Barbas- ‘I just wanted you guys to shut up about that fucking Elk for five minutes..’

The trio hunkered down, knowing they were going to sleep with empty stomachs again.

….

Darkwater woke to the sound of rummaging.

DW- ‘Barbas, quit is…I’m telling you, I’m not hiding any food’

He opened an eye to see a hide covered figure holding his knapsack with one hand and with gold in his other. The figure sprinted….bandit!

DW- ‘Guys, get up, theif!’

The Bandit took off over a small hill between two connecting rocks. Lydia and Darkwater began chase but Barbas was already on his heels. He sunk his teeth deep into the Bandits calf. The bandit immediately pivoted and landed a blow to Barbas’ temple with the butt of his sword.

Barbas- ‘fucker!’

The Bandit got a little bit ahead where two other bandits were waiting they all headed towards the slope down the other side of the hill but at that point Lydia and Barbas were on them all . Darkwater conjured his bow, took a few shots but was hesitant and missed each time as Barbas and Lyd were in close combat with all of them. As Lydia and Barbas took out most of them, One bandit managed to fight them both off and made another attempt to run, at that point he was in the clearing.

Lydia – ‘Ducky, take the shot!’

Darkwater took a breath and loosed his purple arrow a good 50 feet which just connected as he was about to drop out of sight down the hill.

DW- ‘BAZINGA!’

Lydia and Barbas both looked at him.

Barbas- ‘ …“bazinga?”’

DW- ‘what? I felt like I needed a cool catchphrase’

Lydia- ‘I’d just stick to crying for you mummy if I were you’

Lydia went through the Bandits items, and  got their gold back while Darkwater went back to grab everyones stuff from the camp. When Darkwater return Lydia was crouched by Barbas behind a rock.

Lydia – ‘pst get down!’

She whispered

Darkwater joined them by the rock. There at the base of this small mountain they could see the circle of the top of a dungeon.

Lydia- ‘that has got to be Ustengrav’

Next to this entrance was a small camp. Presumably where the bandits came from and where they were desperately trying to get back to. They could make out 3 figures down there around a campfire and what looked like a few bodies scattered about.

Barbas – ‘It doesn’t look like that was their camp originally, are we taking them out?’

DW- ‘ Maybe we should try and sneak by them?’

Barbas – ‘They have food’

DW- ‘it is our sworn duty to avenge the fallen!’

Lydia – ‘ it really isnt’

Barbas- ‘…I smell bacon…’

Lydia – ‘We must destroy these thieving bandits whom have committed a heinous crime!’

Barbas – ‘How chivalrous…’

The Sun was not fully up, and a cloud filled sky provided many shadows surrounding the camp site. The bandits were all stood around the fire tucking into a breakfast of Bacon, Cheese and sweetrolls. As one bandit took a mouthful of cheese Lydias armored figure silently strided up behind him, pulled his head back and slit his throat. At the very same time Barbas made a leap into the second Bandit’s back which sent him into the fire. As he rolled off the fire The dog pounced on his chest and ripped a chunk of flesh from his neck.

This whole time the third Bandit had stopped eating with a mouthful of pork and was surprised enough to not to be able to react.

Bandit – ‘fuc…fuck…’

A shout ‘WULD’, heard from the shadows and a split second later Darkwater was upon him. Before the third bandit had even realised there was a dagger buried in his chest. He dropped to the floor, spat out his mouthful of bacon and slumped over the second bandits bleeding corpse.

DW – ‘…Bazinga!’

Lydia and Barbas look at Darkwater

DW- ‘ What?...I thought it might grow’

Our heros have made it to Ustengrav and after a thorough search through the camp, were a little bit richer and a lot fuller. How will they deal with Ustengravs dark passages? We will find out soon.