Tales From Skyrim Episode II: "Cruella Devoid of Conciousness"

Darkwater decided he wanted to build a house, no more of this scurrying around in a cobwebby Breezehome that he couldn't be arsed to improve.

He a letter from his main man the Jarl of Falkreath, Unfortunately, he couldnt remember his name so he decided to go with Colin. It read something like ‘Hey, I like you, you like me…lets be friends I have some land you can buy etc etc etc…your friend - Colin’

So Darkwater journeyed over to him and he’s was all like ‘you need to prove yourself’ (jeez Colin, trust issues much?)

He wanted our hero to kill some bandit leader…no name…just bandit leader.

So he headed straight over there and bandits just started going nuts at him. He wasnt sure what he did wrong but they definately wanted him dead.
A few bound arrows in peoples faces (and many more in the trees behind) and everyone appeared dead…

Darkwater- ‘guys, I know I should have asked this earlier but which one goes by the name of ‘Bandit Leader’?

No response (apparently death makes people uncooperative).

There was no little drummer boy in his ears to tell him that he killed the main man so our hero decided it was best to have a look around.

Darwater- 'Oooh a mineshaft'

He opened the door, slowly made his was down and there was a guy dressed like a fucking cross between Cruella de Vil and Conan. Big white fluffy Cape on, a horny helmet but no trousers like our adventurer was entering his sordid fuck bunker

Darkwater stood still ...this guy just has his arms cross and looked direct at our hero…Darkwater was convinced that he was easily visible but this guy just stood and stared. 

Bandit Leader- *stares*

Darkwater- ‘I’m just gonna get me old bow out here..’

BL - *stares*

Darkwater- ‘and put mr arrow with mrs string’

BL- *stares*

Darkwater– ‘aaaannnd…’

*THUD*

BL - *dies*

BLOM! (drummer boy)

Darkwater - 'Okay that was easy…. Back to Colin'

Back in Falkreath

DW – ‘Done and done, can I buy this soddin..’

Colin – ‘well done I hereby declare you..’

DW – ‘Don’t care’

Colin – ‘thane of..’

DW – ‘Don’t care…’

Colin- ‘…speak to my steward about buying some property’
DW  ‘Thanks Colin, its been….magical’

As Missions go it was pretty easy. I mean was he asleep?our man didnt know….All Ihe knew was that he looked fabulous in his white Cape!