Tales From Skyrim Episode IX: “Two girls, One horn”

Barbas’ head was nuzzled into a pile of one of the, now deceased, attackers possessions.

Barbas- ‘Hey Ducky, Look!’

Barbas lifted his head with the bone white mask balanced on his snout.

Barbas- ‘I’m a cultist!’

Darkwater was sat outside the Sleeping Giant Inn’s steps tending to a small cut on his arm and did not react to the dog. The attackers were not too much trouble but a letter found in their possession indicated something going on, on an island off the northern coast.

Barbas-  ‘Ducky’…..’Ducky’…….’Ducky’….’Duc…

DW- ‘WHAT!’

Lydia- ‘Barbas, give us a minute will you?’

Barbas appeared to shrug, if that’s what you could call it, and plodded off to Lod’s house with another mask attached to his backside.

Barbas- ‘This’l freak him right out!’

Lydia sat next to Darkwater.

DW- ‘I’ve had it with him Lydia, he’s a liability’

Lydia- ‘I would say he’s got you out of more scrapes than caused them. I mean he did deal with one of those men, alone, while we dealt with the other’

DW- ‘Why are you defending him?’

Lydia- ‘All I’m saying is. Give him a chance okay? I think we’re going to need to keep the skills of an invincible daedra dog to hand.’

Darkwater pulled a piece of cloth over his cleaned up wound.

Lydia- ‘Especially if were going to Solstheim’

DW- ‘We’re not’

Lydia- ‘These guys attacked you for a reason’

DW- ‘I’m done with that reason. People can call me Dragonborn all they want. I’m not here to save Skyrim and I’m not here to carry out orders for every Tom, Dick and Colin.

Lydia- ‘fine’

Dw- ‘Fine?’

Lydia- ‘Yeah, let’s just speak with Delphine, get the horn, take it back to the greybeards and we’ll be done’

The pair walked into the Inn where Delphine was serving drinks to a group of locals. She glanced at Darkwater for a brief second and then walked back to the bar.  Lydia and Darkwater approached her.

Delphine- ‘What can I get you guys?’

Darkwater drew himself up and produced a note. He unfolded it and began to read it out like a 5 year old in a school play.

DW- ‘H…hello sir and or madam’

Lydia and Delphine exchanged looks.

DW- ‘P..please can we rent the attic room?’

Delphine – ‘Wow’

Lydia- ‘Yeah, that was tragic’

Delphine leant in and whispered

Delphine - ‘guys, just go in there’

She pointed to the room on the left.

Lydia walked over and into the room while Darkwater stood for a second not sure if that was his cue to move…awkwardly folded up the note and followed behind. Delphine followed in a few minutes later and shut the door.

Delphine- ‘Here you go’

She hands Lydia the Horn Jurgen Windcaller.

Lydia – ‘Do you know we walked across Skyrim and back for a horn that was sitting pretty much at the base of the mountain we had to take it to?’

Delphine put her hand on her hip and looked dead pan at Lydia.

Delphine- ‘I’m sure it was an adventure you will never forget’

Lydia- ‘Would you like a scar you will never forget?’

Delphine- ‘I’d like to see you try’

Darkwater took a step between them.

DW- ‘Ladies, Ladies…listen….can’t we just’

Lydia turned to Darkwater. If looks could speak this one would be saying ‘step in front of me again and I’ll show you the underside of an anvil’

Delphine- ‘I saw those men attack you outside, they seem to think you are the Dragonborn?’.

DW- ‘they think wrong’

Delphine- ‘Really? I seem to recall you shouting at chickens outside Sven and Hilder’s house last week.’

DW- ‘I hate them, with their little beaks and stupid fat bodies “oh I’m a chicken I go ‘bock bock’ all day long and suck at flying”’

Lydia – ‘Wow that hate runs deep’

Delphine- ‘It was no ordinary shout…, listen. Follow me’

Delphine started to walk out of the room and Lydia followed behind.

DW- ‘no…’

Delphine and Lydia stopped and turned around.

Delphine – ‘but I have a secret room behind th….’

DW-‘Don’t care’

Lydia- ‘C’mon ducky…secret room….new stuff….quests!’

DW- ‘Exactly…were going to the Greybeard to give them the horn and them I’m going home!’

Lydia- ‘okay okay, come on then lets go’

Darkwater walked out of the room, past the ladies and towards the exit. Just as he passed Lydia, he felt a sharp pain on the back of his head and the all was black.

The darkness was infinite and instant all at once. A world where the arrow of time was circular. Darkwater had time to think but no time at all.

 ‘am I dead…?’

‘probably not….otherwise I wouldn’t be asking if I’m dead. I would just be dead’

‘That sounds like blasphemy’

‘You sound like blasphemy’

‘ooooh snap’

PAIN

Sudden and sharp, the back of his head throbbing and pain was permeating through his brain. Still unsure as to why it was so dark he then realised why.

Darkwater opened his eyes….

He was sat on a chair next to a table with a map. Whilst Delphine was pulling the back of a bookcase over what looks like a doorway.

Lydia – ‘Sorry buddy’

Delphine – ‘Thank you for joining me, I am not really a barmaid. I am on an important mission’

DW – ‘ahh fucksticks!’

Tales From Skyrim Episode VIII: “Cloak and Daggers”

A cold fog crept over Ustengrav which the moonlight had illuminated into a white blanket that covered the top of the dungeon pit.

Silence.

The only people here were either dead or still unconcious, the silence was only broken by creatures of the night hunting for food in the shadows.

Silence.

Fast paced footfall joined the hunting calls. It started to get louder.

BANG!

The doors of the dungeon swung open.

Darkwater emerged and ran into the centre of the stone pit with smoke rising off of him. Lydia quickly ran out from the doorway straight over to Darkwater and tried to pulled his burning cloak from this shoulders.

Darkwater – ‘shit, shit, shit’

Lydia- ‘hold still!’

She managed to unclasp the cloak and tossed it to the side where it continued to smoulder.

Darkwater stood up straight, brushed the dust from his armour and checked that nothing else was on fire. He regarded his now charred white cloak.

DW- aww man, my favourite cloak

Barbas happily plodded out of the dungeon.

DW- ‘What the hell was that about you mangy old mutt?’

Barbas – ‘What?’

DW- ‘I said “Barbas, don’t step on that there rock otherwise it will set off the booby traps” and you nodded and just carried on walking over it!’

Barbas – ‘you said boobies’

DW- ‘….right?’

Barbas- ‘I got distracted’

DW- ‘you’re a dog!...what do you care about breasts!’

Barbas- ‘Well excuse me for showing an interest in your passions!’

DW- ‘You owe me a cloak’

Barbas walked over to the smouldering cloak, cocked his leg and urinated on it.

Barbas – ‘There, good as new’

DW- ‘You know what…’

Barbas- ‘oooo Dragonborn is gonna have a hissy fit’

Darkwater lunged at Barbas but Lydia was holding his arm.

Lydia- ‘EITHER WAY, it doesn’t matter now, the horn wasn’t down there and all we have to show for that trip is second degree burns and a letter….so….what does it say, duck?’

Darkwater turned away from Barbas, opened the letter, darted his eyes back and forth and closed the letter.

DW- ‘we’re off to Riverwood’

Barbas – ‘yay we can see Lod, he loves me…oh, we’ll get fed that’s for sure’

Lydia- ‘You’ve done some work for the Jarl there haven’t you?’

DW- ‘What Colin?, yah just clearing up some nearby bandits and exploring someone’s sex cellar for him’

Lydia- ‘….right, I don’t…’

DW- ‘you don’t wanna know…all you need to know is that I got a REALLY NICE CLOAK FROM THERE!’

Darkwater raised his voice and looked at Barbas while he finished his sentence.

The trio headed back south to the small town of Riverwood in order to find the horn that the Greybeards tasked them with finding. They decided to take the longer route that went around the mountains in order to avoid getting lost again. They stopped back off at Whiterun for a couple of days to recuperate, stock up and to get some of Lydias wife Ria’s warm food in their bellies again. That time Barbas decided to stick close by for the duration.

                They headed back out and after selling off some of their loot, they decided they were well off enough to pay for passage on the next carriage to Riverwood which is exactly what they did.

                The carriage arrived at Riverwood by dawn. Barbas jumped out and ran into town where the local children cheered his name. Lydia and Darkwater climbed down from the carriage and walked towards the centre of town.

Lydia – ‘I guess the first place to try should be the inn?’

DW- ‘…well…yeah…would be rude not to have a drink and show our faces’

Lydia- ‘that’s not really what I meant…’

Two men stood in front of them wearing bone masks and were clearly not there for a jovial fancy dress party considering the daggers they were holding in their hands.

Masked Man 1 – ‘You there’

DW – ‘Me?’

Masked Man 1- ‘Are you the one they call Dragonborn?’

DW- ‘ no…no….what me?’

Darkwater looked at Lydia

Lydia- ‘Him? Hah, does he look like a Dragonborn?..’

DW- ‘I know right? I’m like …what?....haha’

Lydia- ‘Yeah, I’m sorry fellas, I think you’ve got the wrong guy’

DW- ‘ Lyd, lyd, can you imagine I’m all like ‘Dus, fro dah…or whatever it is’

Lydia- ‘yeah. Yeah and I’m all like wahhhh’

Lydia pretended to get blown away. Whilst the two men stood there silently looking at them both.

The second masked man pushed between them and the mysterious duo headed away from the town centre sheathing their weapons. Lydia and Darkwater looked at each other and both breathed a sigh of relief. At that moment Barbas came running around the corner.

Barbas – ‘Hey, Dovahkiin! Lods getting the beers in!’

The masked men turned around and both drew their daggers.

Masked Man 2: ‘Miraak will soon be returning!’

Tales Of Skyrim Episode VII: “Bandit, Bacon, Bazinga “

A week passed, our heros were camped at ‘The Lord Stone’ which is situated on the side of a snow covered mountain close to the northern region of Skyrim. Darkwater was sat tending to a small campfire that was crackling in the middle of them. Lydia was busy sharpening her blade and Barbas sat with his head on his paws looking out into the dark night sky.

Barbas – ‘What I’d give for a skeever tail right now!’

Lydia- ‘What I’d give for some homemade stew!’

DW- ‘Guys, c’mon were almost there, I’m sure of it’

Lydia- ‘Oh? Like you were sure 2 days ago, when in fact we had been walking around the same smegging mountain for 15 hours!’

DW- ‘I was following Barbas’

Barbas- ‘I was behind you’

Lydia- ‘You were following an elk!’

DW- ‘it was dark! I didn’t see the antlers’

Lydia- ‘I would have even forgiven that if you would have bloody shot the thing when you realised, it would have fed us for another week!’

DW- ‘It took me by surprise’

Lydia- ‘…It looked at you, ….you screamed mummy, ran behind me…it bolted!’

Barbas- ‘wait!’

Lydia and Darkwater both surveyed the campsite.

DW- ‘Do you hear something?, smell something?’

Barbas- ‘no…’

They both sat in silence looking at Barbas, waiting.

Barbas- ‘I just wanted you guys to shut up about that fucking Elk for five minutes..’

The trio hunkered down, knowing they were going to sleep with empty stomachs again.

….

Darkwater woke to the sound of rummaging.

DW- ‘Barbas, quit is…I’m telling you, I’m not hiding any food’

He opened an eye to see a hide covered figure holding his knapsack with one hand and with gold in his other. The figure sprinted….bandit!

DW- ‘Guys, get up, theif!’

The Bandit took off over a small hill between two connecting rocks. Lydia and Darkwater began chase but Barbas was already on his heels. He sunk his teeth deep into the Bandits calf. The bandit immediately pivoted and landed a blow to Barbas’ temple with the butt of his sword.

Barbas- ‘fucker!’

The Bandit got a little bit ahead where two other bandits were waiting they all headed towards the slope down the other side of the hill but at that point Lydia and Barbas were on them all . Darkwater conjured his bow, took a few shots but was hesitant and missed each time as Barbas and Lyd were in close combat with all of them. As Lydia and Barbas took out most of them, One bandit managed to fight them both off and made another attempt to run, at that point he was in the clearing.

Lydia – ‘Ducky, take the shot!’

Darkwater took a breath and loosed his purple arrow a good 50 feet which just connected as he was about to drop out of sight down the hill.

DW- ‘BAZINGA!’

Lydia and Barbas both looked at him.

Barbas- ‘ …“bazinga?”’

DW- ‘what? I felt like I needed a cool catchphrase’

Lydia- ‘I’d just stick to crying for you mummy if I were you’

Lydia went through the Bandits items, and  got their gold back while Darkwater went back to grab everyones stuff from the camp. When Darkwater return Lydia was crouched by Barbas behind a rock.

Lydia – ‘pst get down!’

She whispered

Darkwater joined them by the rock. There at the base of this small mountain they could see the circle of the top of a dungeon.

Lydia- ‘that has got to be Ustengrav’

Next to this entrance was a small camp. Presumably where the bandits came from and where they were desperately trying to get back to. They could make out 3 figures down there around a campfire and what looked like a few bodies scattered about.

Barbas – ‘It doesn’t look like that was their camp originally, are we taking them out?’

DW- ‘ Maybe we should try and sneak by them?’

Barbas – ‘They have food’

DW- ‘it is our sworn duty to avenge the fallen!’

Lydia – ‘ it really isnt’

Barbas- ‘…I smell bacon…’

Lydia – ‘We must destroy these thieving bandits whom have committed a heinous crime!’

Barbas – ‘How chivalrous…’

The Sun was not fully up, and a cloud filled sky provided many shadows surrounding the camp site. The bandits were all stood around the fire tucking into a breakfast of Bacon, Cheese and sweetrolls. As one bandit took a mouthful of cheese Lydias armored figure silently strided up behind him, pulled his head back and slit his throat. At the very same time Barbas made a leap into the second Bandit’s back which sent him into the fire. As he rolled off the fire The dog pounced on his chest and ripped a chunk of flesh from his neck.

This whole time the third Bandit had stopped eating with a mouthful of pork and was surprised enough to not to be able to react.

Bandit – ‘fuc…fuck…’

A shout ‘WULD’, heard from the shadows and a split second later Darkwater was upon him. Before the third bandit had even realised there was a dagger buried in his chest. He dropped to the floor, spat out his mouthful of bacon and slumped over the second bandits bleeding corpse.

DW – ‘…Bazinga!’

Lydia and Barbas look at Darkwater

DW- ‘ What?...I thought it might grow’

Our heros have made it to Ustengrav and after a thorough search through the camp, were a little bit richer and a lot fuller. How will they deal with Ustengravs dark passages? We will find out soon.

Tales From Skyrim Episode VI: ’The Old Ball and Chain’

Once our travellers reached the bottom of the mountain they popped back into Ivarstead for one more night, stocked up on provisions, freaked Wilhelm the barkeep out a few more times with Barbas’ passive aggressive threats and headed out at first light

The walk across Skyrim was long and arduous as ‘the powers that be’ have decided to stop fast travelling (they hate me right now). They passed a few dungeons but decided to just make a note of them to avoid getting too distracted.
When they eventually reached the opening and Whiterun came into full view it was agreed by all that a stop off and recuperation was in order.
We join our trio entering Whiterun as evening is drawing in and the heavens begin to open. Adrienne Avenicci is busy smacking metal against metal at Warmaidens and a couple of local kids are being called in by their parents as the rain gets heavier. Barbas runs off ahead towards the inns.

Darkwater- ‘that dog loves a drink. Right, I’m going to go get my blade sharpened’

Lydia eyes narrow.
Lydia- ‘you don’t have a blade and your bow is magical’

Darkwater- ‘Well erm, I’m thinking of taking up a two-handed weapon and I need some advice’

Lydia- ‘You do realise Adrienne is married ‘

DW- ‘yes, what of it’

Lydia- ‘and you realise that her husband once punched a pig in half?’

Dw- ‘yeah right’

Lydia – ‘Limpy Pete told me’

DW- ‘Yeah but Limpy Pete says that dogs can’t look up’

Lydia- ‘They Cant’

DW- ‘You’ll believe anything’

Lydia- ‘Right, I’m off to find the wife’

Lydia walks off to the west where the majority of the residential houses are.

Darkwater draws himself up appearing to add an extra 30lb to his upper body. As he walks over he notices she is banging prison Iron together. A pile of Iron balls on chains are by her feet.
DW- ‘Hey Adrienne’

Adrienne- ‘Oh hey….muckwalker wasn’t it?’

DW- ‘n-no’

Adrienne- ‘what can I do for you me old Mucka?’

Dw- ‘I’m just wondering if you fancy a drink over at Honningbrew Meadery?’

Adrienne- ‘ahem, no’
She replied in the same way a doctor tells loved once there is nothing they can do.
Adrienne- ‘there are plenty of lovely ladies that I’m sure…’

Darkwater chuckled to himself.
DW- ‘Well, this is embarrassing’

Adrienne- ‘Don’t be embarrassed.’

DW- ‘No, I mean for you…I don’t know how to say this but….I’m kind of a big deal around here…People KNOW me’

Adrienne- ‘that nice for you’

She continues to bang a cuff into shape attached to a chain and weight.

DW- ‘I’m just going to say it…I can’t hide it any longer…I am Dragonborn’

Suddenly a gloved hand with enough leather to recreate a cow slapped down on his shoulder

Ulfberth War-Bear – ‘hmm, I wonder, Adi, if Dragonborns have wings hidden in their arm sockets?’

DW- ‘I can assure you, we don’t’

Ulfberth War-Bear – ‘Well I’m curious to find out’

Ulfberth spun Darkwater to face him and started to pull both of his arms outwards. His face a mixture of excitement and anger.

He didnt get far before his face was pelted with rocks

Ria – ‘the Jarl is going to be pissed if you turn the only Dragonborn into a living breadstick.

Lydia and Ria stand to the side ready with more rocks. Ulfberth regarded them for a second, then tooks a long hard look at Darkwater.

Ulfberth- ‘Don’t speak to her again’
He released his grip.

Darkwater brushed himself off.
DW- ‘No problem Teddy Bear’

Ulfberth storms back into the house with Adrienne in tow.

Ria- ‘I see what you mean Lyd, he’s a bit of a knob’ed’

Lydia- ‘Ducky, Lunas made us food c’mon, bring Barbas’

DW- ‘Where is Barbas?’

Lydia- ‘not sure, maybe he’ll turn up later.

Darkwater enjoyed a delicious dinner that Lydia’s wife, Ria made for them but Barbas did not show up. Darkwater thanked them both for saving his arms and headed to the inn’s and then Breezehome, no Barbas to be found.
The next morning Darkwater was awoken by knocking at the door.

Lydia- ‘We’ve got to go, grab your stuff now!’

DW- ‘Easy lyd its like….7am. whats the dillio?’

Lydia- ‘Cicero’

DW- ‘Gesundheit!’

Lydia- ‘No, he’s this creepy mad jester, Hes got Barbas! He took off in his Wagon last night!

The Pair headed out and north to see if they could catch it up. They get as far as Loreius’ Farm when they find the Wagon. With a broken wheel.

Lydia – ‘It’s facing back to whiterun?’

Cicero- ‘Ohh goody goody, some help, my wagon wheel came off, curse you wagon wheel. Maybe my new friends can help?...he he yessss help!? Ah haha haha hahahahha’

Lydia and Darkwater look at each other.

Dw – *whispers* ‘This guy is nuts’

Lydia- *whispers* ‘I think he’s pretty dangerous, some connection to assassins , I say we try and make this process as simple as possible’

Darkwater peeked into the cart to see Barbas, conscious with his neck strapped to a Ball and Chain.

Lydia- ‘Cicero’

Circero – ‘Yes my manish female friend?’

Lydia- ‘Didn’t I see you leaving Whiterun last night? Why are you heading back’

Cicero- ‘ Ahahaha very perceptive, but none of your business’

Darkwater- ‘Where did you get the dog from?’

Cicero- ‘ ahaha, A dog is a dog is a dog licks his Butt, But this one is more much more than a Mutt’

Lydia- ‘pretty poem, Okay we will help you’

Cicero – ‘You will!? Oh goody goody my friends I thank you’

Barbas- ‘What did he just call me!?’

Lydia- ‘IF you give us the dog’

Cicero- ‘…Why Would you want this dog’

DW- ‘Your pretty poem made him sound appealing’

Cicero- ‘NO DEAL’

Just then two imperial guards appear in the distance walking towards the four of them.

Lydia- ‘How about, you give us the dog, we get your wheel back on, and we won’t tell these nice guards that you have kidnapped this mutt from his owner?’

Barbas- ‘you have no right to use that word, that is OUR word!’

Cicero looked down at the floor for a few seconds.
Cicero- ‘Fine, deal’

DW- ‘Great!’

Cicero- ‘I won’t….forget this’Cicero’s voice had suddenly become very serious.

Lydia helped get the wheel back on and assured the guards that no help was needed while Darkwater released Barbas from his cage.

Barbas – ‘The thalmor-fucker used magic to knock me out…I think I might eat him’

DW- ‘Be cool Barbas, there is more to this guy than meets the eye, I’m sure you will get your chance.’

Cicero went on his way and the adventurers turned to face north.

Lydia – ‘Ducky, Barbas, we need to trudge on. We still have a long way to go.’

DW- ‘Hold up, im gonna pop to Loreius’ Farm, see if he’ll let me use his facilities, your mrs’ cooking has gone right through me, How bout you Barbas, need to go?’

Barbas- ‘Naw, I left Cicero a present in his driver’s seat’

*in the distance* ‘noooo, that mutt, that mutt, got crap on my butt!’...Reunited, the adventures head north to Ustengrav

Tales From Skyrim Episode V: “7,001 A Step Odyssey”: Part 2/2.

*Step, step, step, step*

On and on and on

*step, step, step, step*

They just kept on going. At least Barbas had reverted to counting in his head.

At this point, the party were all exhausted, but according to some of the pilgrims they had met on the way up, they did not have much further to go. They encountered a few more beasts on their travels but Lydia had decided to help this time and as such, light work was made of them.

DW- ‘Look!’

Finally High Hrothgar

DW - ‘it looks deserted’

Lydia- ‘It almost is, there are only 5 Grey Beards as far as I’ve been told’

DW- ‘What do they do all day?’

Lydia- ‘Shout at each other I guess’

DW- ‘sounds like your parents, Lyd’

Darkwater started to grin and elbow her in the ribs

Dw- ‘Eh? …..eh?’

Lydia- ‘Not, only do you not know my parents,I don’t know my parents’

Barbas- ‘I thought I knew my parents, turns out we all look the same though…oh by the way’

Dw- ‘What?’

Barbas- ‘I lost count’

The trio enter the heavy doored building where they meet with the Greybeards and Darkwater learned what he was born to learn…that a mixture of toll fat and lavender are what keep their beards so shiny and manageable. That sort of knowledge is power.

After resting up for a day as honoured guests of High Hrothgar. We find our adventurers packing their kit at the steps of the castle. Lydia knelt by a bush picking more snowberries and collecting them in the concave of her shield. Although she enjoys harvesting ingredients to increase her alchemy, the look on her face was that of annoyance.

DW- ‘c’mon, Lyd, I’m sorry okay? It won’t happen again’

Darkwater gives Barbas a quick look and grin.

Barbas- ‘hey….Do it again’

DW - ‘heh, no’

Barbas- ‘Go on, one more time’

Lydia- ‘I’m warning you’
She says without looking up

Barbas- ‘Do it Ducky!’

DW - ‘FUS RO!!!’

Lydia falls sideways into a hedge of snowberries

Barbas- ‘Bullseye!’

Lydia struggles back up to her feet, upends her snowberries collected in her shield and wields it with two hands like someone is about to get hurt with it.

Barbas- ‘Quick, Duck, Shout at her’

DW - ‘I can’t, it has to charge’

Barbas- ‘Whirlwind Sprint?’

(if Barbas could show it, it would be a look of despair)

DW - ‘IT HAS TO CHAR….’ Donk!

…

Darkwater woke to find Lydia eating an apple with Barbas sitting at the steps next to her. But Darkwater’s mouth was gagged.

Lydia- ‘The greybeards are not teaching you these shouts to fuck me off, however, if you continue, you will spend the rest of your life struggling to pee let alone shout.

DW - *muffled*

Lydia then swiped the gag off.

DW - ‘I don’t know what that means

Lydia pointed her sword to Darkwater’s oblivion regions

DW - ‘got it, got it’

Darkwater sits up and wipes his shoulders.

DW- ‘Anyway, where we going again?’

Lydia- ‘well seeing as this is YOUR quest I figured you would remember’

DW- ‘Well YOU figured wrong’

Lydia- ‘Barbas, care to update?’

Barbas- ‘Go get a horn from the other side of Skyrim, bring it back.’

DW- ‘Why is it always the other side’

Lydia- ‘Because the Devine Zenithar hates you’

They Kit themselves up and the Trio finally Head off back down the mountain to travel across the tundra and into the snowy rocks of northern Skyrim.

What challenges will they face?

Maybe some? Maybe none? Maybe they will skip around the plains of whiterun trying to catch sodding butterflies, who knows…..well you will….i’ll probably tell you at some point.

***I just want to see a huge thank you to Sarah Stoll for producing the below artwork for me in a matter of hours, what an amazing talent. she really brought the images in my head to light for this story today, Again you are a star!!!!!***

Tales from Skyrim Episode V: “7,001: A Step Odyssey” Part 1 of 2

After a long walk *fast travel* The group arrived at Ivarstead, the base of the path to High Hrothgar.

It was time for them to put their feet up, have a drink and a sleep at the Inn, Lydia agreed as it was pitch black and it would be better to tackle the mountain at first light.

They walked into the Tavern, a simple little place with a few people a nice central firepit and one random asleep on the floor. (make sure we get a picture of that).

DW- ‘now this is my kind of establishment’

Lydia- ‘I wouldn’t recommend getting drunk, Duckwater’

DW- ‘Darkwater’

Lydia- ‘sorry, Fuckwater was that?’

DW- ‘….Duckwater is fine’

Lydia- ‘Anyway “ducky”, as I say, don’t get like Rugman on the floor over there, we’re leaving at 6am’

DW- ‘Theres a 6am?’

Lydia- ‘I’m getting a room’

Lydia walked off to speak to a lady that appeared to run the room and board of the place. Lydia pointed at me and handed the lady some coins. She walked off with the lady and I took a seat with Barbas.

Barman- ‘sorry pal, your dog needs to go outside’

Barbas- ‘how about 2 pints and I won’t bite your junk while you sleep tonight?’

Barman Wilhelm, looked at me with a puzzled expression and then realised it wasn’t me that said it.

If dogs could somehow show expression, I would go as far as to say Barbas gave Wilhelm a very evil grin.

Wilhelm- ‘Did he just talk?’

DW- ‘Do YOU think my dog just talked?’

Wilhelm- ‘Well, I…’

DW- ‘you may or may not have heard my dog say something, but what I would say is that if you DID hear my dog say something, I would take whatever he said very VERY seriously’

Barbas tilted his head and studied Wilhelm.

Wilhelm- ‘here you go fellas, 2 pints. First 2 are on the house....as you lady friend just paid twice the going rate for your rooms!’

Wilhelm poured some black-brier into a small wooden bowl and put it down by Barbas. He turned and walks back to the bar

Barbas- ‘Fantastic service’

Wilhelm stopped, started to turn around for another look and then thought better of it.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, but duckwa...darkwater was woken by the sound of Lydia kicking his bed.

Only took a few minutes to make himself look beautiful and he was ready to tackle the 7,000 steps.

As the morning sun attacked the midday sky, he had ascended what felt like 3,000 steps but as Barbas was painstaking counting every single sodding step it was quickly discovered that they had climbed a mere 300 steps. Although at this relatively low altitude the wind was already blowing a gale and the snow wasn’t falling as much as it was orbiting the trio and the surrounding rocks.

Barbas: “Three hundred and thirty four, Three hundred and thirty five”

DW- *huff*…*huff* “are there” *huff* “actually” *huff* “7,000 steps?*

Lydia- ‘I doubt it, but’ sounds like your dog will be able to tell us’

Barbas- ‘Three Hundred and Fourty…I’m not his dog…three Hundred and Fourty One’

Lydia- ‘I suggest we stop for a breather’

DW- ‘done’

He dropped to the floor.

Lydia,- ‘there are a lot of snowberries about, I think I’ll grab some’

After a few minutes Darkwater got back up to his feet.

Looking down he could see nothing but white and a few tree tops. Looking to the path ahead he saw more steps and….something. It looked a bit like a snow covered rock rolling around. He began to walk off ahead a bit…the rock was moving….and it was getting bigger. Almost like it was running towards them…

DW- ‘BEAR’

Lydia- ‘huh?’

DW- ‘BIG “FUCK OFF” SNOW BEAR

Lydia- ‘right?, shoot it’

Lydia barely looked up from her snowberries whilst she said this and all in this time I was looking down struggling to get my Bound conjured.

DW- ‘c’mon, c’mon, c’mon….aaaaand BOUND BOW’

He looked up….no bear.

He looked to the side and there next to him is Barbas chomping into the neck of this once snarling white death tank. He lifts up his head to regard Darkwater.

Barbas- ‘Figured you needed help’

DW- ‘Thanks buddy’

He turned to Lydia who has still to lift her head from picking snowberries

DW- ‘Feel free to jump in and protect me at any time’

Lydia- ‘You looked like you had it’

DW- ‘” I Had It!?” the only thing I had was last night’s black-brier run down my inside leg!’

Lydia- ‘hey, but look, Ducky, you levelled up without even loosing an arrow’

DW- *mimics lydia in a high voice* ‘hey look you levelled up without even miniminimeh, I’m so smart and right all the time’

Lydia- ‘Okay lets move out, I want to get up there before sunset’

Onward and upward our adventurers go. What do the Greybeards have in store for Darkwater and are their beards as grey and manageable as scholars have mused? We’ll find out soon enough.

Tales From Skyrim Epiosde IV: “I love Lydia from my nipple to my tibia”

So after deciding to abandon the Clavicus mission for now in order to keep Barbas by his side. They duo decided to pop back to Breezehome for a siesta and a sweet roll.

Upon getting back Darkwater opened the door to find someone lurking by his fire.

DW –‘ da fuck, man!?’

*She turns around*

DW – ‘Woman!’

Woman – ‘I’m Lydia, your Housecarl.’

DW– ‘Yes it is my house but my name is not Carl, its DARKWATER….’

Lydia – ‘literally, you are a moron and that’s the worst name I’ve ever heard’

DW- ‘Ouch’

Lydia – ‘Anyway, you killed a Dragon and apparently saved Whiterun, though from what I saw, you stood well back and shot a few iron arrows at its wings’

DW- ‘I WAS A LEVEL 3!’

Lydia- ‘regardless, apparently now I’m here to serve you’

DW-‘ …hey hey’ 

Darkwater grinned.

Lydia grabbed him by the breastplate and pulled him to her face.

Lydia- ‘listen Duckwater I honestly don’t give a shit who you are, and I’d rather not follow you, however this is my job, I’m here to protect’

DW – ‘erm, its Darkwa….ow ow ow the metal is pinching my nipple’

Lydia – ‘I’ll make sure no harm comes to you’

Lydia released him and Darkwater tended to his ouchy nipple. Lydia pulled up some chairs and hey both sit by the fire.

Lydia – ‘anyway, what did the greybeards say?’

DW- ‘huh?’

Lydia- ‘after you killed the dragon, they summoned you right?...the loud noise in the sky?’

DW- ‘oh I thought that was weird, but how was I to know it was for me?, I mean it didn’t say “Dear Darkwater, we request you presence at our annual shindig, please bring alto-wine”’

Lydia- ‘right, so what have you done since?’

DW- ‘stuff…’

Lydia- ‘….stuff….do you think we shou..’

Darkwater interrupted her by standing tall and proud like he had just come up with an amazing Idea all by himself.

DW – ‘Lydia! I have made a decision, we are to travel to see the Greybeards you and I’

Lydia- *sighs* ‘fine’

Barbas *muffled* ‘and me’

Lydia- ‘whos that?’

DW – ‘that’s Barbas’

Darkwater opened the door and Barbas came bounding in. He sat at Lydias feet and looked up at her.

Barbas- ‘yay, me!’

Lydia stared at Barbas while he licked his junk

Lydia - ‘he talks’

Barbas- ‘I also kill, even when I’m not asked to’

DW- ‘don’t worry about him, we won’t get in our way…’

So the new trio head out with our hero taking the lead, They could be described as looking 'shit hot'. Darkwater swung open Whiterun’s front gates and took a confident step forwards only to stop by the second ste.

DW- 'hmmm'.

He turned to Lydia.

DW- ‘Where do the greybeards live? Is it close? cuz I’m not big on walking'

Lydia stared at me for a good 5 mins after that question. It seems now that she is beginning to lose confidence in this Dragonborn.

Lydia- ‘Okay, look ahead.’

DW– ‘Oh god, its all the way over to the base of that mountain?’

Lydia- ‘No,….you see that mountain?’

DW- ‘Yeah?’

Lydia- ‘okay, now looks to the left of that, you see that bigger mountain?’

DW- ‘Y-yes?’

Lydia- ‘you see how its dark and covered in shadow from a bigger third one?’

DW- ‘the one that doesn’t have a peak because of the clouds?’

Lydia- ‘waaaaaaaaaaaaay up there’

Barbas – ‘I’m out’

DW – ‘what?’

Barbas ‘dunzo, I don’t care what happens to me with Clavicus, I’m out, if I could wipe my hands without smacking my chin on the floor I would!’

DW- ‘Barbas, unfortunately you are bound to me until our mission is complete’

Barbas- ‘well you can shove your mission right up your’

DW– ‘Barbas?’

Barbas- ‘Yes?’

DW- ‘…..heel’

Barbas- ‘ugh, thats low you thalmor-fucker'

The three companions walked in the direction of the throat of the world to seek the Greybeards. Will Lydia stay loyal? Will Barbas Stay out the way? (I think we all know the answer to that) We’ll find out soon.