Tales From Skyrim Epiosde IV: “I love Lydia from my nipple to my tibia”

So after deciding to abandon the Clavicus mission for now in order to keep Barbas by his side. They duo decided to pop back to Breezehome for a siesta and a sweet roll.

Upon getting back Darkwater opened the door to find someone lurking by his fire.

DW –‘ da fuck, man!?’

*She turns around*

DW – ‘Woman!’

Woman – ‘I’m Lydia, your Housecarl.’

DW– ‘Yes it is my house but my name is not Carl, its DARKWATER….’

Lydia – ‘literally, you are a moron and that’s the worst name I’ve ever heard’

DW- ‘Ouch’

Lydia – ‘Anyway, you killed a Dragon and apparently saved Whiterun, though from what I saw, you stood well back and shot a few iron arrows at its wings’

DW- ‘I WAS A LEVEL 3!’

Lydia- ‘regardless, apparently now I’m here to serve you’

DW-‘ …hey hey’ 

Darkwater grinned.

Lydia grabbed him by the breastplate and pulled him to her face.

Lydia- ‘listen Duckwater I honestly don’t give a shit who you are, and I’d rather not follow you, however this is my job, I’m here to protect’

DW – ‘erm, its Darkwa….ow ow ow the metal is pinching my nipple’

Lydia – ‘I’ll make sure no harm comes to you’

Lydia released him and Darkwater tended to his ouchy nipple. Lydia pulled up some chairs and hey both sit by the fire.

Lydia – ‘anyway, what did the greybeards say?’

DW- ‘huh?’

Lydia- ‘after you killed the dragon, they summoned you right?...the loud noise in the sky?’

DW- ‘oh I thought that was weird, but how was I to know it was for me?, I mean it didn’t say “Dear Darkwater, we request you presence at our annual shindig, please bring alto-wine”’

Lydia- ‘right, so what have you done since?’

DW- ‘stuff…’

Lydia- ‘….stuff….do you think we shou..’

Darkwater interrupted her by standing tall and proud like he had just come up with an amazing Idea all by himself.

DW – ‘Lydia! I have made a decision, we are to travel to see the Greybeards you and I’

Lydia- *sighs* ‘fine’

Barbas *muffled* ‘and me’

Lydia- ‘whos that?’

DW – ‘that’s Barbas’

Darkwater opened the door and Barbas came bounding in. He sat at Lydias feet and looked up at her.

Barbas- ‘yay, me!’

Lydia stared at Barbas while he licked his junk

Lydia - ‘he talks’

Barbas- ‘I also kill, even when I’m not asked to’

DW- ‘don’t worry about him, we won’t get in our way…’

So the new trio head out with our hero taking the lead, They could be described as looking 'shit hot'. Darkwater swung open Whiterun’s front gates and took a confident step forwards only to stop by the second ste.

DW- 'hmmm'.

He turned to Lydia.

DW- ‘Where do the greybeards live? Is it close? cuz I’m not big on walking'

Lydia stared at me for a good 5 mins after that question. It seems now that she is beginning to lose confidence in this Dragonborn.

Lydia- ‘Okay, look ahead.’

DW– ‘Oh god, its all the way over to the base of that mountain?’

Lydia- ‘No,….you see that mountain?’

DW- ‘Yeah?’

Lydia- ‘okay, now looks to the left of that, you see that bigger mountain?’

DW- ‘Y-yes?’

Lydia- ‘you see how its dark and covered in shadow from a bigger third one?’

DW- ‘the one that doesn’t have a peak because of the clouds?’

Lydia- ‘waaaaaaaaaaaaay up there’

Barbas – ‘I’m out’

DW – ‘what?’

Barbas ‘dunzo, I don’t care what happens to me with Clavicus, I’m out, if I could wipe my hands without smacking my chin on the floor I would!’

DW- ‘Barbas, unfortunately you are bound to me until our mission is complete’

Barbas- ‘well you can shove your mission right up your’

DW– ‘Barbas?’

Barbas- ‘Yes?’

DW- ‘…..heel’

Barbas- ‘ugh, thats low you thalmor-fucker'

The three companions walked in the direction of the throat of the world to seek the Greybeards. Will Lydia stay loyal? Will Barbas Stay out the way? (I think we all know the answer to that) We’ll find out soon.